"Him and his brother was going to unthaw his store-boughten dinner."

 The board feels the change is needed since ALL the district's bus drivers speak ONLY Utahnics. Hunh? What's the big deal? Maybe it is, maybe it isn't -- Irregardless, I could care less.

 A few terms have been added to Utahnics thesaurus: "Opening Invocation", "patriartical", "OhMyHeck", "Anditcametopass","simular", and "tore". That last is used "In Paris, we took the sight-seeing tore".

 Here's a few more thoughts on Utahnics (pronounced yew-TAH-nix).

 The major rules or elements of Utahnics seem to be dropping unneccessary syllables and avoidance or pronouncing either the "oh" or "ooh" sounds.

 I believe dropping syllables is a direct outgrowth if the inherent spartan nature or thriftiness" of most Utahns.  Possibly because most of them give 10% to 20% of their income to their church, they feel it neccessary to conserve elsewhere, so they hold back at least 10% of their syllables.

 Avoidance of pronouncing oh and ooh sounds is probably due to under-developed facial "puckering" muscles caused by abstinence from kissing along with all other forms of male-female contact prior to approved courtship age.

 Also, oh and ooh sounds are considered to be decadent and worldly. (consider the French language, it's loaded them, and we all know the French represent the pinnacle of decadence and worldliness).

 O sounds may be replaced by either the short A sound as in "pass me a fark" (pass me a fork) or the short E sound as in "fer ignernt" (for ignorent - notice the dropped syllable also).

 One rare variant is the "panguitch dialect" in addition to the above, they also substitute the forbidden O sound for the A sound as in "barn in a born" (born in a barn). This is very rare however.  My theory is that early panguitch settlers had French ancestry, and they couldn't entirely get away from their decadent O speaking heritage.

 As with Ebonics, people who speak Utahnics are genetically pre-disposed to do so.  Therefore, I am convinced that we must allocate funds to teach Utahnics to non-natives.

 I have included a few Utahnics phrases below to illustrate the magnitude of the problem.

 djeet? - did you eat?
 lawnmore - lawn mower
 leafblore - leaf blower
 cha - you
 ain'tcha? -  aren't you?
 dcha? - did you?
 djew? - did you? (panguitch version)
 squeet - let's go eat
 Darthy, that's a gargeous ahrange farmal - Dorothy, that's a gorgeous orange formal.

 Here is a typical Utahnics conversation:
 LaVerl: djeet yet?
 LaVell: no, djew?
 LaVar: Squeet.