Alp:
One of a number of ski mountains in Europe.
Also a shouted request for assistance made
by a European.
Avalanche:
One of the few actual perils skiers face that
needlessly frighten
timid individuals away from the sport.
See also: Blizzard, First
Aid, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift
Collapse.
Bindings:
Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from
serious injury
during a fall by releasing skis from boots,
sending the skis
skittering across the slope where they trip
two other skiers.
Bones:
There are 206 in the human body. No
need for dismay, however;
the two bones of the middle ear have never
been broken while
skiing.
Cross-Country Skiing:
Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain technique.
It's good
exercise, doesn't require purchase of costly
lift tickets. It
has no crowds or lines. See also Cross-Country
Something-Or-Other.
Cross-Country Something-or-Other:
Touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness,
gliding
through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub
of the ski slopes,
hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the
skis slipping
through snow and the muffled screams of other
skiers dropping
into the puffy powder of a deep, wind-sculpted
drift.
Exercises:
A few simple warm-ups to make sure you're
prepared for the
slopes:
1) Tie a cinder block to
each foot and climb a flight of
stairs.
2) Sit on the outside of a fourth-story
window ledge
with your skis on and your
poles in your lap for at
least 30 minutes.
3) Bind your legs together at
the ankles, lie flat on the
floor; then, holding
a banana in each hand, get to
your feet.
Gloves:
Designed to be tight around the wrist to restrict
circulation,
but not so closefitting as to allow any manual
dexterity; they
should also admit moisture from the outside
without permitting
any dampness within to escape.
Gravity:
One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect
skiers.
The other three are the strong force, which makes
bindings jam;
the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns;
and
electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries
in expensive
ski-resort parking lots. See Inertia.
Inertia:
Tendency of a skier's body to resist changes in
direction or speed
due to the action of Newton's First Law of Motion.
Goes along
with these other physical laws:
1) Two objects of different mass
falling side by side will have
the same rate
of descent, but the lighter one will have
larger hospital
and home care bills.
2) Matter can neither be created
nor destroyed, but if it drops
out of a parka
pocket, don't expect to encounter it again in
our universe.
3) When an irresistible force
meets an immovable object (see
"Tree")
Prejump:
Maneuver in which an expert skier makes a
controlled jump just
ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute
a controlled pre-fall
just before losing their balance and, if they
wish, may precede
it with either a pre-scream and a few pre-groans
or simple
profanity.
Shin:
The bruised area on the front of the leg that
runs from the point
where the ache from the wrenched knee ends
to where the soreness
from the strained ankle begins.
Ski!:
A shout to alert people ahead that a loose
ski is coming down the
hill. Another warning skiers should
be familiar with is
"Avalanche!" (which tells everyone that a
hill is coming down the
hill).
Skier:
One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity
to break them.
Stance:
Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly;
your arms
straight and covered with a good layer of
goose flesh; your hands
forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and
fingers icy, your eyes
a little crossed and darting in all directions.
Your lips should
be quivering, and you should be mumbling,
"Am I nuts or what?"
Thor:
The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth.
Traverse:
To ski across a slope at an angle; one of
two quick and simple
methods of reducing speed.
Tree:
The other method.