These are the collected writings of "The Simpsons" from the
chalkboard exercises that Bart writes during the opening credits.
 

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•       I will not carve gods.
•       I will not spank others.
•       I will not aim for the head.
•       I will not barf unless I'm sick.
•       I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
•       I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
•       I will not conduct my own fire drills.
•       Funny noises are not funny.
•       I will not snap bras.
•       I will not fake seizures.
•       This punishment is not boring and pointless.
•       My name is not Dr. Death.
•       I will not defame New Orleans.
•       I will not prescribe medication.
•       I will not bury the new kid.
•       I will not teach others to fly.
•       I will not bring sheep to class.
•       A burp is not an answer.
•       Teacher is not a leper.
•       Coffee is not for kids.
•       I will not eat things for money.
•       I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.
•       The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
•       I will not call the principal "spud head".
•       Goldfish don't bounce.
•       Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
•       No one is interested in my underpants.
•       I will not sell miracle cures.
•       I will return the seeing-eye dog.
•       I do not have diplomatic immunity.
•       I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
•       I will never win an Emmy.
•       The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
•       All play and no work makes Bart a dull boy.
•       I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.
•       I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
•       My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
•       I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
•       I am not deliciously saucy.
•       Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
•       The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan".
•       I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
•       There are plenty of businesses like show business.
•       I will not re-transmit without the express per-
•          mission of Major League Baseball.
•       Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
•       I will not waste chalk.
•       I will not skateboard in the halls.
•       I will not instigate revolution.
•       I will not draw naked ladies in class.
•       I did not see Elvis.
•       I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes".
•       Garlic gum is not funny.
•       They are laughing at me, not with me.
•       I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom.
•       I will not encourage others to fly.
•       I will not fake my way through life.
•       Tar is not a plaything.
•       I will not Xerox my butt.
•       It's potato, not potatoe.
•       I will not trade pants with others.
•       I am not a 32 year old woman.
•       I will not do that thing with my tongue.
•       I will not drive the principal's car.
•       I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.
•       I will not sell school property.
•       I will not burp in class.
•       I will not cut corners.
•       I will not get very far with this attitude.
•       I will not belch the National Anthem.
•       I will not sell land in Florida.
•       I will not grease the monkey bars.
•       I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.
•       I will not do anything bad ever again.
•       I will not show off.
•       I will not sleep through my education.
•       I am not a dentist.
•       Spitwads are not free speech.
•       Nobody likes sunburn slappers.
•       High explosives and school don't mix.
•       I will not bribe Principal Skinner.
•       I will not squeak chalk.
•       I will finish what I sta
•       "Bart Bucks" are not legal tender.
•       Underwear should be worn on the inside.
•       The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
•       I will not torment the emotionally frail.